Kevin B. Bullard: 2014

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Brain Dump - July 19th

Click here to read the previous brain dump.

Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.

Note: Although I'm trying to catch as many errors as I can, please overlook any typos, grammatical mistakes, missing words, and mispellings you find in this post (yeah, I misspelled "misspellings" on purpose to give you some practice at overlooking any other mistakes you see).

a. It has been four days since I dumped my mind online. Some folks have wondered if we're still alive, so I thought I'd post something tonight. ;-)

b. This past week was full of non-stop work. In fact, I've worked so much and so hard on my computer, my body is tired.

c. I'm thankful [now] that I begin implementing a Sabbath day prior to leaving NC. I've honored it since I've been in Texas, and it has been helpful.

d. You may be familiar with God's command in the Garden of Eden for man to work six days and rest on the seventh day.This is the same command he gave with tilling the land - except it was in years instead of days:

Speak to the Israelites and say to them: 'When you enter the land I am going to give you, the land itself must observe a sabbath to the LORD. But in the seventh year the land is to have a year of sabbath rest, a sabbath to the LORD. Do not sow your fields or prune your vineyards. Do not reap what grows of itself or harvest the grapes of your untended vines. The land is to have a year of rest. (Leviticus 25:3-5)

e. There's something about that rest period (speaking in terms of physical rest now). There's a rejuvenation that takes place. There's an opportunity to reflect on the activity, which can lead to even more effective activity (says management guru Peter Drucker).

f. A lot of people hate Monday (like him), and Monday gets some people down (like her). However, by the time Sunday evening rolls around, I can barely wait for Monday to start because I'm so amped up by the rest and time away from trying to solve a marriage or technical problem.

g. On a lighter note, I want to give a couple of shoutouts to two people who have asked why they haven't seen their name in the brain dumps. So, Todd & Amber, here you go. ;-)

h. On a thankful note, I learned tonight that my godson's mother, Brandi, was in an accident this morning that ended with her car flipping twice, landing upside down, and her walking away. After you see the pics, you'll see why I'm so thankful she's alive & only banged up. Click here for some pics and her reaction.

i. Each night we pray as a family, and each person individually offers a prayer that begins with an attribute. Tonight's attributes were Cornerstone; Powerful; Messiah: Great in power, mighty in strength; and Keeper. The first three came from my kids. It's great to hear them addressing our Heavenly Father this way. I pray they'll grow up experiencing God being these very things in their life.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Brain Dump - July 15th

Click here to read the previous brain dump.

Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Brain Dump - July 14th

Click here to read the previous brain dump.

Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.

It reminds me that God, himself, is full of hope
He's able to fill me with all joy and peace
I'm filled with this joy and peace to the degree that I trust in him
The result is that I, too, will overflow with hope (like the God of hope)
Finally, this isn't some "hope" I conjure up. It's hope given by the God's Spirit.

e. I first became familiar with the verse when I heard it in a song many years ago. Click here to listen to this powerful verse in song.

f. I found another version of this song. Click here to see/hear it. (side note: if the person responsible for aligning the words being sung with the words on the screen worked at a church, he'd get fired as soon as praise & worship was over).

g. Today was Kuria Joy Bullard day. Each person in our family is celebrated 6 months after/before their birthday. The recipient gets a small gift just to show that he/she is loved.

h. Although Cetelia bought KJ two gifts from us, KJ checked me for not giving her anything personally. I'm thinking her love language might be receiving of gifts.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Brain Dump - July 13th

Click here to read yesterday's brain dump.

Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.

Pic 1 (Cetelia and the girls are standing to the right of the pedestal Zapruder stood on to get his footage)

Pic 2 (The white "X" marks the spot of the fateful shot)
Pic 3 (A pic of the book depository from the white "X")

Pic 4 (A panorama of the entire scene)

i. It was wild to be in the spot that still has people up in arms about conspiracies. I've read new accounts & watched a host documentaries, news stories, and videos about November 23, 1963. My curiosity has only grown stronger over the years. Believe it or not, what really happened that day may be my first question for God.

j. There was a man there tonight who was triangulating where the sign stood that blocked part of Zuprader's movie of the assassination. This brilliant man was also a mad man. He spoke about the flag, freedom, secret service, the surveyor in Dallas at the time, Adam & Eve, Humpty Dumpty, the Statue of Liberty, the Israelites, pigs, apples, and even Jesus to make his point about the assassination.

k. It started out very interesting, then got very weird. Fortunately, my phone rang so I had to step away.

l. I received a call from a pastor who wants Sweet Cetelia and me to speak at their marriage conference in Dallas in August. Score! This follows on the heels of a call I received yesterday about us speaking at a marriage conference in Forth Worth in October. Double score! I've not even put out feelers for us speaking yet, so it's cool that we've already got two engagements. As my friend, Craig, says, "Go God!"

m. How fitting that I'm on letter "M." seems like a good place to talk about Marriage Works! I'm excited. I spent the latter part of last week reading some great literature, and developing a new strategy. I feel like what I've been doing has all been in the same vein for several years. The cheese has been moved. If I don't find new cheese, I'll become extinct. Excited to implement the new strategy.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Brain Dump - July 10th

Click here to read Wednesday's brain dump.

Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Brain Dump - July 8th

Click here to read yesterday's brain dump.

Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.

Note: Although I'm trying to catch as many errors as I can, please overlook any grammatical mistakes, missing words, and mispellings you find in this post (yeah, I misspelled "misspellings" on purpose to give you some practice at overlooking any other mistakes you see).

a. Today Max and I made the 2.5 hour drive to Waco. Thanks to my bud LMM, I had a meeting with a pastor who wants Marriage Works! to 1) train his life group leaders on how to provide marriage counseling, and 2) develop a system folks go through from engagement through the first year of marriage. More on that later.

b. After the meeting, Max and I had lunch with LMM. We had a great conversation, and I thought it further strengthened our friendship of almost 20 years.

c. I had a great conversation with MH, and she really encouraged me to keep writing and exploring how I feel about this transition to Texas. She helped me see that by tackling my own giants, I give others permission to tackle theirs. Thanks, MH!

d. I'm finding my faith in God increasing as we walk through this season. My attribute for God during family prayer tonight was him being a way-maker. Putting my confidence in his ability, which is where he wants it to be, provides me the stability I need from day-to-day no matter what's going on around me.

e.Cetelia has been writing about how she's partnering with God to respond differently to me. This is encouraging to me because she and I have been bumping heads lately. It seemed that when I told her about how she was making me feel, she pushed back, which made me want to shut down.

f. I recall walking out the house in Fort Worth one morning last week, looking up to the sky and saying, "God, she's your daughter, and I commit her to you." A day or two later I woke up, and the first thing I heard in my heart was, "Live at peace with her" (based on Romans 12:18).

g. That became my goal, and it has not been easy. Still, I've taken the attitude that I can only control what I do, and only have influence in her life.

h.This recent rough road has helped me generate a lot of good notes on conflict management, and I plan to share them in an interview this weekend, and create a new resource soon.

i. I love Cetelia. She's a good woman. We're learning how to live with and love one another during change. Although everyday has not been easy, I'm happy that we've both committed to growing in our individual relationship with Christ. That, in my estimation, is what's at the core of making our marriage work.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Brain Dump - July 7th

Click here to read yesterday's brain dump.

Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.

Note: Although I'm trying to catch as many errors as I can, please overlook any typos, grammatical mistakes, missing words, and mispellings you find in this post (yeah, I misspelled "misspellings" on purpose to give you some practice at overlooking any other mistakes you see).

a. Seriously, PJ? smh

b. I'm hopeful today's post will show some maturity on my part. We went house-hunting today, and like it has happened multiple times before, the house we saw available the night before was gone the next day. We had a new experience today: a house that was available at 2 PM was gone at 3:30. We learned this as we tried to get into the house using the electronic keybox.

c. I have to admit that I was discouraged for a moment. I felt myself going back into the place of, "I'm tired of looking ... this keep happening." BUT, I did something today that I had not been doing: I began rehearsing all the amazing things God has done for us - including us being at the home of perfect strangers ... alone ... while they're 25 hours away. If that's not enough to change my outlook, then I don't know what it is.

d. For real, PJ? smh

e. I mentioned yesterday that the story of Elijah and the widow woman in seemed to be where we are right now. In this story, Elijah is sent to a widow who's planning to make a final meal for she and her son so they can die (there was a famine in the land). While the story is interesting (read it here), I've not been able to get past verse 8: "Go at once to Zarephath in the region of Sidon and stay there. I have directed a widow there to supply you with food."

f. Zarephath means refinement, proving, measuring, testing. I feel like ever since we've gotten to Texas, we've been tested. I've acknowledged that I failed the test for at least three of the weeks we've been here. Now that I realize I'm being tested, I'm able to handle the perceived setbacks with more resolve. Why? Because I recognize God is doing something good for my family and me.

1. He's working in our hearts, which is good. He's trying to make us look like Jesus, which is good.

2. He's helping Cetelia and me learn to work through conflict created by external circumstances, and that's good.

3. He's helping all five of us - especially the kids - learn through experience how to be faithful stewards, and that's good.

4. He's teaching us how to walk by what we believe, not by what we can see, and that's good.

5. He's showing us that our sufficiency is not enough to get us through life, and that's good.

6. He's helping us learn how to receive his love & provisions from the hands of others - even if it's humiliating, and that's good.

7. He's breaking our pride of having it altogether and not needing anyone's assistance, and that's good.

8. He's drawing us closer together as a family, and teaching me how to be a family shepherd that depends on God - not his ability to make money, and that's good.

9. He's showing us the value of patience, and how he's always working, even when he's silent, and that's good.

10. He's revealing that he really is in charge of our destiny - not us, and that's good.

g. There's so much more he's showing us, but this is enough for tonight.

h. God is becoming more real to me because I'm realizing that I don't have what it takes to make things happen on my own. I can push, prod, poke, promote, pressure, and any other "P" word you can think of, but without him - and all he brings to the party - I'm unable to take effective action ... I'm helpless ...powerless.

i. I need him. Period. He can get along without me, but wants to partner with me. He's showing me me that power belongs to him - not me.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Brain Dump - July 6th

Click here to read yesterday's brain dump.

Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.

Dump Note: Like previous dumps, this one may have misspellings and/or grammatical mistakes. Please excuse them. Since I'm not being graded for this writing, I'm not re-reading this post to ensure it's error-free.

a. Today was our first full day in our new temporary home. So far, so good!

b. It was hard waking up this morning because last night was the first truly restful night of sleep I've had since leaving NC. The bed felt so good, I almost thought about telling God I'd visit his house next Sunday.

c. On the way out the door to church, I saw the neighbors across the street pull up. Although we were already late for church (blame it on the bed!), I had to meet them. They were cool, and already knew about us. I kinda stretched the truth and said, "I'm Kevin, a friend of the _____." In my mind I was thinking, "Yeah, I'm their friend. We go way back ... like 48 hours back." I learned the neighbor (husband) is a deputy sheriff, so I'm really glad he knew we were at the house.

d. We rolled up to church about 25 minutes late, and got there in time to take communion. I had been wanting to sit in the balcony to get a different vantage, so arriving late made that happen more easily.

e. The message was about generosity, and specifically, being generous with love. I thought the message was helpful for Marriage Works! content, but also for me personally so that I'm not a jerk to my wife and kids.

f. After church we had Cracker Barrel for the first time since leaving NC. The pecan pancakes gave me the "-itis," so I reunited with that wonderful bed for about 2.5 hours after church.

g. After the nap I went to Walmart - for the the third time in 24 hours - to get some swimming trunks. Upon returning I joined Sally (Cetelia) and the kids in the pool.

h. The only downside about the pool was that I had to apologize repeatedly to all the husbands for their wives lusting over my well-built & sculpted physique (oh, the burden of being so ripped).

i. Tonight was spent hanging with the kids, and continuing our house hunt.

- - -

I mentioned in yesterday's dump that there was so much to say about us being offered a house by total strangers (still very, very weird). I'll share one or two things I'm thinking about in this and upcoming dumps.

j. Being at the first guest home was very hard for me. It was humiliating. It broke my pride. It made me feel like a failure. It made me feel like I could not provide for my family. It took me almost four weeks to get to a place where I was comfortable receiving from the host family. Had it not been for that experience, I could not have received the blessing we're experiencing now.

k. Being here at the second guest home has given me a whole new perspective and appreciation for being at the first guest home. I no longer see the first guest home as a result of my failure to do XYZ. Sure, I could have done XYZ better, but we were not there because I failed to do something. Rather, we were there because God had us there.

l. Before leaving Greensboro, my big scripture was Genesis 12:1a: Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.

All we knew was that we were going to the Dallas area, and were homeless. So this verse described our lot well.

m. Now, we're living in 1 Kings 17:9: Get up and go to Zarephath near Sidon and stay there. I have ordered a widow there to take care of you.

This verse is interesting, so I'll go into detail in a future dump. I believe the verse is loaded with insight for our family.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Brain Dump - July 5th

Click here to read the July 2nd brain dump.

Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.

a. While the July 1st brain dump contained my rawest emotions yet, this brain dump will contain the story of what could very well be the strangest, most logic-defying, "only God could do this" story you'll ever hear.

b. Today we moved into a house (yeah!) - about 90 minutes from Fort Worth. Remember this fact because it factors heavily into the story.

c. You may know that we are a homeschooling family, with Cetelia taking on the majority of the teaching responsibilities. In addition to teaching our kids at home, she also serves as a teacher in the homeschooling association we're a part of. Once a week, our kids and others using the same curriculum meet for a day of fellowship and refreshing what should have been taught at home. Cetelia was a teacher for four years in NC.

d. She connected with the homeschooling program director in this area late last week over email, and was invited to a teachers meeting this past Monday night about 90 minutes away from Fort Worth.

e. The program director recalled that Cetelia was an hour and a half, and told her that she did not have to make the drive (and that she probably wouldn't do it if she was in Cetelia's shoes).

f. So, Monday and Tuesday pass, and it's Wednesday. That is the day the strange, logic-defying, only God could do this thing took place.

g. Cetelia received an email from the program director telling her about the teaching positions, and included this at the close of her email:

I'll be praying for y'all to find a home and get settled!

We will be out of town most of July and would be MORE than happy to let you have the use of our home. It may be nice for y'all to have a location in north Dallas area while attending the practicum or just need to be closer for a bit to be house hunting. My husband and I are both in agreement about this and want to offer it to your family as needed this month. Please consider this and let me know.

h. What?!? Are you serious? Who does this? They didn't know us. They had never seen us. They didn't know anything about us besides us just moving from NC, staying with friends in Fort Worth, and looking for a house. They didn't know anything about Marriage Works! or anything else.

i. We were stupefied (and still are). We didn't know what to say (and still don't). It was the most amazing thing we had ever heard, and it was more evidence that God really is behind our move to Texas.

j. We contacted them and arranged to meet [for the first time!] Thursday morning before she left the state with her daughters for a family reunion.

k. We woke up at 5:45 AM Thursday, got dressed, ate, and made the 90 minute drive their house. As we parked in front of the house, our nervousness and amazement kicked into high gear. We rang the doorbell, and the wife opened with a warm smile and invited us in.

l. After the introductions she took us on a tour of their house, and invited us to use all the beds and bathrooms - including their bed and bathroom. Nuts, right?!?

m. She gave us a key, garage opener, wifi code, pass to the neighborhood pool, and a full sheet of tips to help us get the most out of their home. In addition, we have access to all their bikes, rollerblades, toys, AND they told us to bring Marty, our 3 year-old dog who has been boarded for nearly 35 days, and appears to be a shell of his regular lively self. So, for the first time since we've been in Texas, we're all staying under the same roof tonight.

n. Still shocked and waiting for the Candid Camera crew to show up, I said to the husband, "Uhm, you know this is weird right. You guys don't know us, and you're leaving your house to us." He said, "It's just a house. It's not sacred. And it's God's." Amazing.

o. This is a blessing for multiple reasons: 1) We're now 15-20 minutes from church instead of 90 minutes. 2) We're in the area where we're house hunting, so no more 90 minute drives just to look at a house that we hope is "the one." 3) Cetelia has a three-day training coming up in less than 10 days, and instead of driving 3-4 hours a day for three straight days to attend it, she'll be driving 45-60 minutes/day tops.

p. We told our host family in Fort Worth, and they were just as flabbergasted as we were. This is truly Psalm 118:23 in living color: "The LORD is responsible for this, and it is amazing for us to see."

q. There are sooo many thoughts running through my head regarding this, perhaps too many to put into one dump. So, I'll start with a couple tonight, and will add more throughout our time here.

#1. God has a plan, and none of us can wreck it. While our doubt, fear, faithlessness, sin, whatever can affect how much of God's plan we entertain in our life; God's plan will come to pass. I can't stop it, and neither can you. No matter how fearful I was, God still made this happen.

#2. I mentioned the other day how my pastor's wife sent us a devotion about Elijah and a widow. This is how the story begins: "Go to Zarephath in Sidon and stay there. There is a widow there that I commanded to take care of you.”

I feel like this is our story. We've been sent to this area for a family to take care of us. Had my pride not been broken with the first family, there is NO way I would have accepted this tremendously mind-boggling offer from our new host family. They're 25 hours away from their house, and joyfully have five strangers from NC living it it!! That's nuts.

r. I sent the wife a text when we got to the house this evening to let her know we were here. I guess I wanted to see if the police or neighborhood watch would show up before I moved my stuff into the house.

I texted:

Hi, Lucy* – it's Kevin, Cetelia's husband. We're here! We arrived about 30 mins ago, and are still pinching ourselves to see if this is a dream or reality. Hope your reunion went well, and that you all have a safe drive to NY.

Here's what she texted back:

"Great! I hope y'all enjoy yourselves and have successful house hunting!"

What?!? "Great! I hope y'all enjoy yourselves?" Who says that?!? The LORD is responsible for this, and it is amazing for us to see.

s. There's so much more I could write about this, but I'll stop here tonight. God is doing something big. I'll close with these three scriptures because they speak to the amazement factor:

Look among the nations and watch. Be amazed and astonished. I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if it were reported to you. (Habakkuk 1:5, GNT)

Yup, he's doing it.

Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]. (Ephesians 3:20, AMP)

Phillip at WOLFC gave this scripture to me more than a year ago. He came up to me several Sundays in a row and shared the same thing. I'm seeing it happen now.

t. This is God's show. I'm just one of many cast members.

u. God is the director. I'm simply the dude responsible for bringing him chips and soda.

v. This is God's flow. I'm just navigating my raft trying to stay on the top of the water.

w. God is driving the car. I'm in the backseat, like Mrs. Daisy, going along for the ride.

x. God's the executive chef. I'm just a prep chef hoping to one day become a station chef.

y. I'm humbled to be a part of such a magnificent event. We'll see what's next.

z. And to think, I was going to stop blogging the other day. What do I know?!?

KBB

* Not her real name

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Brain Dump - July 2nd

Click here to read yesterday's brain dump.

Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.

a. Where do I start? After yesterday's post, I was inundated with a flood of support. I was overwhelemed, and grateful.

b. I heard a lot of good things today, and thought I'd share them ...

1. Never doubt in the darkness what you heard in the light. This was a reminder to go with what I believe I heard God told me, regardless of how dark things may look/get. (thanks, DA)

2. Whenever you take big step of faith, people will question it. Folks never question the small, normal steps you take. But, when your act is radical and goes against conventional thinking, questions from well-meaning people will start. There's nothing wrong with the questions. Just be know what you heard, and be prepared to keep stepping out in faith. (thanks, again, DA)

3. Don’t confuse God’s silence for His inactivity. Even when it looks like God is missing, like in Joseph's story in Genesis, God is still active, around, and working. (thanks, RF)

DB sent this: "Loved that you dumped your brain KB! The authenticity of you and how you live your life is encouraging to your friends and those who follow your ministry."

I've been told that I'm "common" and honest to a fault. Hey, if my transparency - no matter how exposed I feel - can help someone see that Christianity can be messy, yet God is there in Christ to help us get it together, then I'm fine with that.

There were so many more encouraging words I heard today, and I'd be typing for a while if I included them all.

c. I received a well-deserved blast by LJ. I had not returned his call in three weeks, and he let me have it. While it stung to hear him in go in on me, I put myself in his shoes, and I understood where he was coming from, and it reminded me of Proverbs 27:6, "Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy." He showed his love & friendship by being honest with the Ol' KBB.

d. After LJ got his frustration off his chest, we talked for another 35 minutes, and he was very helpful (as always). Although the call was delayed by three weeks, I believe it was right on time.

e. I mentioned that my sis-in-law would punk me for crying in the library yesterday (I've had a few tearful moments in her presence, so now they're all funny to her). Here's the text she sent me: "Sooo... was it a whimpering, sniveling or weeping cry or more like a sobbing, blubbering, hyperventilating cry?? LOL!"

f. I said today that I would take a step with God today. I didn't realize what I was saying. That's what he wants me to take. I tend to try to take it all in at once. That leaves me worried, frustrated, and burnt out. He's not looking for me to do all that. He wants me to go step-by-step with him.

g. I have a lot of maturing to do. I was talking to JG today, and realized that I graduated from the stage of "doing good." I used to be caught up in that. That's no longer an issue for me. I recognize I've been made holy because of Christ, so now I walk it out by his grace. Am I perfect? No. But, I'm still moving forward.

h. Now, I realize I'm in the stage of being great. I really want what I do to have an impact - to reach people, and to grow to a place where I can sufficiently take care of my family. That leads me to overworking, and ultimately pursuing second-best for what is best. I've noticed this also leads me to freaking out when things go awry. This is an area where I need to mature.

i. Another area where maturity is necessary is not "quitting" on God during tough times. CM sent me this scripture today: "Since God has so generously let us in on what He is doing, we're not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job just because we run into occasional hard times." (2 Corinthians 4:1, MSG). I've noticed my tendency to "throw up my hands and walk off the job" when what God said doesn't appear to be happening (see b3). That's immature behavior. I'm glad has called me on it.

j. More than one person today, both older than me, talked about the journey. That's perspective. I'm hopeful I'm gaining it not only as I age, but as I go through different situations. I don't want these tough times to be for naught, and I do not want to keep going around the same mountain.

k. I read a scripture this morning that set the stage for my day, which probably like yours, had ups and downs: “We are pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don’t know why things happen as they do, but we don’t give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going.“ (2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (Living)

l. AB said, "Many of the hard places in life are necessary parts of the overall journey. There will always be another day."

m. JG mentioned Ali, and how he said the mark of a champion was how many times one got up - not knocked down. I feel like the righteous man who has fallen. But, I'm getting up (cue Donnie McClurkin).

n. Double-Dub lovingly challenged me to be grateful. She recounted some of the things that have gone / are going wrongly in her life -- things I am not dealing with, and do not want to encounter. After reading her message, I reminded that I have a choice to make all day everyday: gripe or be grateful. I'll close this dump with an excerpt from her Sermon Over the Email:

The devil likes to keep me there, reminding me of what I do not have, but God always keeps me in perfect peace and reminds me of what I have right in front of me (if I'll stop complaining and open my eyes) and what's yet to come.

Touche!

So, to practice what Double-Dub said, I'm grateful that you're reading this. I still can't figure out why you're taking time to read what's running through my mind, but I need you to know that I appreciate it. It makes me feel loved. I'm hopeful that it's helping you as much as it's helping me.

See you tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Brain Dump - July 1

Click here to read yesterday's brain dump.

Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.

a. Lately my brain dumps have been sanitized, by design, because I was going through a bout of despair, and didn't want to share that with the world. In fact, I wrote yesterday that I was done sharing. Because I was purposely leaving out what I was thinking, there was nothing to talk about except for stupid, stinking skunks (sorry skunk lovers).

b. A friend of mine sent this to me two days ago, "I liked the emotional, personal brain dumps better. You actually seemed like a real person with messed up feelings like the rest of us." Touche. Even Cetelia said that my dumps have changed, and have become "progressively shorter and serious."

c. So ... in an effort to be a real person with messed up feelings, here's the truth: the past week has been rotten. Rotten and hard. I found myself becoming more and more isolated. I stopped all playful banter with my family, and just went through the motions. I told everyone everything was fine (yeah, I lied).

d. I started working harder and longer hours in an attempt to "make something happen" with Marriage Works!, but more so to hide from life and those who love me. I figured if I was working, then I was "safe" from reality, and wouldn't have to face my family and my perceived failure to provide for them.

e. We're still with our friends. We're still looking for a house. We're still awaiting the rest of the finances to move. We're still ... we're still ... we're still. Well, I got tired of "we're still."

f. I lost hope. My expectation was gone. I felt like God didn't care, so I stopped caring. I was going through the motions ... saying the right things, but not having any passion nor fire at all.

g. I was apathetic. I wasn't mad that we were in Texas ... I just didn't care. I didn't care if Marriage Works! continued or stopped. I just didn't care. I started looking for other jobs in fact.

h. I was afraid to make all this public because I thought I would look like a ______ to you (fill in the blank). Perhaps I was afraid of what you might think or say about me. "He's supposed to know better ... he's a minister." or "He's helped me ... certainly he should be beyond this." So, it was easier to hide ... to run ... to work hard, long, and late.

i. Today I went to the same library I've been going to for weeks, and everything changed. I had one of those experiences that can only be described as a God moment.

j. On my way in, I passed a bald guy with glasses who was on his phone. I had not seen him there before, but I didn't think twice about it. I later learned that he had not been to the library in months.

k. Fast forward 15 minutes, and this guy (Chris from Iran) is sitting at the desk beside me. I learned that he does internet marketing, and used to be a pastor. He asked me questions about how we find folks for Marriage Works!, then went to the car for his business card. I went to the car to get my card, but stopped by the bathroom before rejoining him. I recall saying, "I'm trying to work, and this guy is trying to sell his services to me. I'm not interested!" Boy was I wrong.

l. I'm still not sure where the switch occurred, but this guy proceeded to tell me what I've been thinking in my head for the past several days. He's speaking directly to my lack of confidence in myself, my lack of confidence in God, and even my fear of missing God's will (and thereby being frozen into inactivity). Please understand that I had not told him ANYTHING about what was going on with me, other than the fact that we were looking for a house.

m. He rightly diagnosed why I've been so tired and apathetic lately: I'm trusting in myself instead of God. Rather than helping others out of the overflow of God in me, I'm helping folks out of my own strength, which is diminishing day by day. The result: tiredness, frustration, stress, and depression.

n. He talked for about 15-20 mins straight, paused, then grabbed my hand and prayed - at the library.

o. My sis-in-law is probably going to punk me for this, but I started crying during his prayer (what would YOU do?!?). This guy, who didn't know me from Adam, told me all sorts of stuff that I had been thinking. I was shocked, relieved, embarrassed, grateful, and encouraged at the same time. After Chris finished talking with me, he packed up his stuff and left. He said his "work was done." He and I both believe he was at the library just to minister to me.

p. I went to the library to hide, but there's no hiding from God. Before I left for the library this morning, Cetelia and I talked about Jonah. I told her I felt like I was in the belly of the fish. If that's the case, today was Chapter 2 where Jonah came to his senses, and prepared to obey God.

q. I went to the library to hide, but there's no hiding from God (see Jeremiah 23:24 and Psalm 139:7-12). He is El Roi, the God Who Sees Me. He found me in Crowley, TX. That's nuts. Had the guy not given me his business card, I would have thought he were an angel, based on Hebrews 13:2.

q. As soon as he left, I read this devotion sent from my pastor's wife back in NC. She said she tried to send it last week, but didn't have my email. The delay was divine. This was the day I needed it.

r. Today my faith was restored. I had been doubting God. I began to think he didn't give two craps about my family nor me. Couldn't he see what we were going through? Didn't he know our needs? Why did he cause our house to sell out of the blue, then move us to Texas to live five-in-a-room for over a month? For goodness sake, wasn't he aware our dog had been boarded for four straight weeks (expensive boarding I might add)?!? Well, he's El Roi. The God Who Sees Me.

s. To top everything off, my man Lamar gave me some wonderfully fantastic counsel regarding Marriage Works! It was like water on very dry ground. Things have been hard financially and emotionally because sales have been slowing down. Thanks, Lamar. The lessons are tremendous.

t. So, here's a very emotional and personal brain dump (thanks, Blue Jean Baby). Life can be hard, and it's easy to hide when things get tough. I'm depending on God (thanks, Chris), encouraging myself in the Lord (thanks, Paula), not giving up (thanks, Cetelia), staying positive (thanks, Toe), not fainting (thanks, Sharon (Track 8)), and continuing to press (thanks, Lamar).

u. Thanks, God, for putting up with me. I'm so conflicted at times. I trust, then I totter. I believe, then I bail. I man up, then shout, "Man down!" Through it all, you're the God Who Sees Me. The God who can find me in little ol' Crowley, Texas.

v. I'm willing to take a step with God tomorrow. I still don't understand it all, and we're still at "we're still." But, because I know he sees me, I feel comfortable giving him another shot to see what he's preparing for my family and me.

w. I feel quite vulnerable exposing so much of my inner conflict, but I figure I'm not the only one who's been here. A song by John P. Kee says, "The thing you're trying to hide is the thing he's trying to use." I'll stop hiding, and let God use it as he sees fit.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Brain Dump - June 30th

Click here to read yesterday's brain dump.

Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.

Highlight: Getting a hug from Caitlin & KJ after they received their extraordinarily overdue baptism gifts.

Summary:

a. Another day spent in the library. Enough said.

b. I traded emails with Blue Jean Baby. Man, I miss her. ;-)

b. I took the long way home today, and went by TCU. Ordinarily I wouldn't give a horned-frog about the school, but they've been winning in football lately. I wanted to see what their winning ways meant in terms of dollars for their football stadium. It's nice! It's been a month or so since I've been on a college campus, so it was good to be there.

c. I took two walks tonight - one with Cetelia, where she left me in the dust (she was walking fast to exercise), and another one by myself. No wildlife tonight - other than the mosquitoes, which DD knows all about down there in Houston.

What I Learned:

Commitments can be fulfilled when you put your head down, and do it - even if it requires grinding. I committed to blogging for 30 days, and I have done just that. Thanks for reading!

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Brain Dump - June 29th

Click here to read yesterday's brain dump.

Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.

Highlight: The 3-hour nap I grabbed after church.

Summary:

a. We went to church at The Mount (Mt. Hebron Missionary Baptist Church) this morning. As it was two weeks ago, folks were happy to see us. It's always nice to be feel welcome. Still, I missed being at WOLFC (Word of Life Family Church).

b. I finally got to hear a choir sing today. We've been in Texas for almost a month, and all I've heard is two male choruses and a children's choir. The choir sang Israel's You Are Good, and I was a little surprised when it didn't end like we end it at WOLFC. I guess I've heard it one way for so long.

c. In some ways I'm still experiencing culture shock. WOLFC is a church with great racial diversity, while The Mount is predominantly black. It has been almost 15 years since I've attended a predominantly black church, so it's taking a bit of time for me to get re-acclimatized to the worship style. It's all good. Just different.

d. After church we rode by a house we liked and toured Friday afternoon. While it has potential, I'm reluctant to put any emotion towards it at all. It seems like I've been let down to many times already while house-hunting, so I'm trying to keep from getting attached to any one property ... just in case.

e. The day ended with Cetelia and me taking a stroll. We saw our skunk friend tonight, but only after we saw a possum. So, we've seen a coyote, tarantula, skunk, possum, and a passel of deer. Perhaps tomorrow night we'll see a bear. ;-)

Today's Lesson:

Our limitations are typically imaginary. Because we don't care to do a particular thing or may have experienced difficulties in the past regarding it, we form a stronghold in our mind regarding it. The more we think and speak negatively about that limitation, the more we power we give it. I'm being tested right now to live beyond false limitations I've constructed in my mind over the years. Perhaps at another juncture I'll get into what they are. But, for now, if I'm to lead nourish my family, I must embrace the fact that my self-imposed limitations are imaginary, and only serve to hold me back.