Click here to read yesterday's brain dump.
Click here to read Cetelia's brain dumps.
a. Lately my brain dumps have been sanitized, by design, because I was going through a bout of despair, and didn't want to share that with the world. In fact, I wrote yesterday that I was done sharing. Because I was purposely leaving out what I was thinking, there was nothing to talk about except for stupid, stinking skunks (sorry skunk lovers).
b. A friend of mine sent this to me two days ago, "I liked the emotional, personal brain dumps better. You actually seemed like a real person with messed up feelings like the rest of us." Touche. Even Cetelia said that my dumps have changed, and have become "progressively shorter and serious."
c. So ... in an effort to be a real person with messed up feelings, here's the truth: the past week has been rotten. Rotten and hard. I found myself becoming more and more isolated. I stopped all playful banter with my family, and just went through the motions. I told everyone everything was fine (yeah, I lied).
d. I started working harder and longer hours in an attempt to "make something happen" with Marriage Works!, but more so to hide from life and those who love me. I figured if I was working, then I was "safe" from reality, and wouldn't have to face my family and my perceived failure to provide for them.
e. We're still with our friends. We're still looking for a house. We're still awaiting the rest of the finances to move. We're still ... we're still ... we're still. Well, I got tired of "we're still."
f. I lost hope. My expectation was gone. I felt like God didn't care, so I stopped caring. I was going through the motions ... saying the right things, but not having any passion nor fire at all.
g. I was apathetic. I wasn't mad that we were in Texas ... I just didn't care. I didn't care if Marriage Works! continued or stopped. I just didn't care. I started looking for other jobs in fact.
h. I was afraid to make all this public because I thought I would look like a ______ to you (fill in the blank). Perhaps I was afraid of what you might think or say about me. "He's supposed to know better ... he's a minister." or "He's helped me ... certainly he should be beyond this." So, it was easier to hide ... to run ... to work hard, long, and late.
i. Today I went to the same library I've been going to for weeks, and everything changed. I had one of those experiences that can only be described as a God moment.
j. On my way in, I passed a bald guy with glasses who was on his phone. I had not seen him there before, but I didn't think twice about it. I later learned that he had not been to the library in months.
k. Fast forward 15 minutes, and this guy (Chris from Iran) is sitting at the desk beside me. I learned that he does internet marketing, and used to be a pastor. He asked me questions about how we find folks for Marriage Works!, then went to the car for his business card. I went to the car to get my card, but stopped by the bathroom before rejoining him. I recall saying, "I'm trying to work, and this guy is trying to sell his services to me. I'm not interested!" Boy was I wrong.
l. I'm still not sure where the switch occurred, but this guy proceeded to tell me what I've been thinking in my head for the past several days. He's speaking directly to my lack of confidence in myself, my lack of confidence in God, and even my fear of missing God's will (and thereby being frozen into inactivity). Please understand that I had not told him ANYTHING about what was going on with me, other than the fact that we were looking for a house.
m. He rightly diagnosed why I've been so tired and apathetic lately: I'm trusting in myself instead of God. Rather than helping others out of the overflow of God in me, I'm helping folks out of my own strength, which is diminishing day by day. The result: tiredness, frustration, stress, and depression.
n. He talked for about 15-20 mins straight, paused, then grabbed my hand and prayed - at the library.
o. My sis-in-law is probably going to punk me for this, but I started crying during his prayer (what would YOU do?!?). This guy, who didn't know me from Adam, told me all sorts of stuff that I had been thinking. I was shocked, relieved, embarrassed, grateful, and encouraged at the same time. After Chris finished talking with me, he packed up his stuff and left. He said his "work was done." He and I both believe he was at the library just to minister to me.
p. I went to the library to hide, but there's no hiding from God. Before I left for the library this morning, Cetelia and I talked about Jonah. I told her I felt like I was in the belly of the fish. If that's the case, today was Chapter 2 where Jonah came to his senses, and prepared to obey God.
q. I went to the library to hide, but there's no hiding from God (see Jeremiah 23:24 and Psalm 139:7-12). He is El Roi, the God Who Sees Me. He found me in Crowley, TX. That's nuts. Had the guy not given me his business card, I would have thought he were an angel, based on Hebrews 13:2.
q. As soon as he left, I read this devotion sent from my pastor's wife back in NC. She said she tried to send it last week, but didn't have my email. The delay was divine. This was the day I needed it.
r. Today my faith was restored. I had been doubting God. I began to think he didn't give two craps about my family nor me. Couldn't he see what we were going through? Didn't he know our needs? Why did he cause our house to sell out of the blue, then move us to Texas to live five-in-a-room for over a month? For goodness sake, wasn't he aware our dog had been boarded for four straight weeks (expensive boarding I might add)?!? Well, he's El Roi. The God Who Sees Me.
s. To top everything off, my man Lamar gave me some wonderfully fantastic counsel regarding Marriage Works! It was like water on very dry ground. Things have been hard financially and emotionally because sales have been slowing down. Thanks, Lamar. The lessons are tremendous.
t. So, here's a very emotional and personal brain dump (thanks, Blue Jean Baby). Life can be hard, and it's easy to hide when things get tough. I'm depending on God (thanks, Chris), encouraging myself in the Lord (thanks, Paula), not giving up (thanks, Cetelia), staying positive (thanks, Toe), not fainting (thanks, Sharon (Track 8)), and continuing to press (thanks, Lamar).
u. Thanks, God, for putting up with me. I'm so conflicted at times. I trust, then I totter. I believe, then I bail. I man up, then shout, "Man down!" Through it all, you're the God Who Sees Me. The God who can find me in little ol' Crowley, Texas.
v. I'm willing to take a step with God tomorrow. I still don't understand it all, and we're still at "we're still." But, because I know he sees me, I feel comfortable giving him another shot to see what he's preparing for my family and me.
w. I feel quite vulnerable exposing so much of my inner conflict, but I figure I'm not the only one who's been here. A song by John P. Kee says, "The thing you're trying to hide is the thing he's trying to use." I'll stop hiding, and let God use it as he sees fit.
